I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm too high and old for this...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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