Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
last night I used snow as a chaser
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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