someone threw a dead crab at me
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
