think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
