did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Farmville is her only friend.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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