A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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