i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
