So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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