Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
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