nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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