you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
