She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
