i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
