I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
