This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
