I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
