You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
