Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Randomize
