im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
