At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
