my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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