I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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