my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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