Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Randomize
