it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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