I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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