3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
