I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
