hotel room ftw
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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