I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
