So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
