I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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