I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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