I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
