At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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