Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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