Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
