Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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