Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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