You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
