dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
