the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
