I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I think a kid would responsible me up
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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