her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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