census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
