u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
