i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
