she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
two words: eviction party
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
porn star boner night. come get it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
