I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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