I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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