You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just googled if crying burns calories
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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