This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Randomize
