You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
